I miss you, I miss everything, I miss you to the point I no longer remember how it was. It's sad knowing that in a few months you and I will no longer talk. I tell you good morning and I get a distant mumbled one in return. It's lonely out there, no matter how many friends I surround myself with, no matter the declarations of independence I recite everyday; I miss you.
Do you remember the last time we hugged, the last time you kissed me, because I do not and it hurts to not remember. I do not know whether we used to be once upon a time close or not, I really do not, and it hurts like hell. I need you, I need my mommy, I need you to make me feel loved and I need you to talk to me, I want to be your spoiled little girl again, I want to tell you about my crushes, my friends, my hopes, and fears. I want to talk to you without seeing that judgmental disappointed look in your eyes.
I am sure that in your eyes, I am that ungrateful, cruel, cold child. A very distant person. I know that I keep saying I want to immigrate and never return and that I do not want to ever get married, and how I cannot wait to get my own apartment, but I want us to try and reconnect. I want one good decent memory I could hold on to in times of need, when I am really down, when I am alone. I want a memory that is about us: you and I, and no one else.
Mommy, do you remember when was the last time you smiled at me? All you do is frown, or worse, that blank face that I cannot read. Mommy your lack of words hurt me, and when you laugh at what my siblings say hurts even more, a sharp knife that is continuously stabbed in my heart. Did you notice that we stopped pretending that we are okay in front of strangers? Did you notice us avoiding each other in family gatherings?
Mommy, do you know that I have decided to make a new mother for myself to feel loved? Someone who is willing to befriend me, listen to me, someone who understands me. It is a great solution, you know, but it is temporary, because at the end of the day I get to live with my biological mother who makes me feel like an unwanted bastard.
Mommy, I want you to remember that I was your first born child. There is a picture I saw where you were looking down upon me and smiling. I want this back, I want it back now.
Mommy, in a few months time I will be gone, really gone, I will no longer be your anything. Even if by that time I don't have an apartment, emotionally and spiritually I will be away, far away. I would be a roommate to you. An isolated stranger. Do you realize how humiliating this is, begging for you to accept me? I cannot apologize for being me, and as a mother you are supposed to love me unconditionally.
Mommy, come back, please?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAvDFtD89Bg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zPi_l9j6SQ&feature=related
Peace Out! H!
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Friday, 13 April 2012
Life, you know that kinda stuff.
Close your eyes, relax and breathe. Life has a lot of ways to throw one off, it could be in a positive way such as having a successful career, or being swamped in a lot of heartache and a bunch of misunderstandings that can piss you off to no end.
I know that I tend to be negative when I write here, for it is the only place I can truly express myself without being judged. No one knows who Lady H is unless she decides to unveil the mystery.
Back to my point, yesterday was the beginning of my 8-day break, a break away from drama, Facebook, Twitter, all means of socializing and focusing on the H, on me. I slept most of the day today and I do not regret it, in fact I feel refreshed, I needed it, so I took it. I watched my beloved sitcom The Big Bang Theory and I could not stop laughing at Sheldon's bird phobia! In this break, I tend to focus on me, do some deep self-cleansing and see where I want to go. I know I never tend to stick to a perfectly detailed plan no matter how "perfect" it is made, so I am going to draw a rough outline to where I want to head later in life.
The future is exciting and full of many adventures I intend to take. Independence, that sweet joyful word that sounds like choir bells to my ears. I love and I cannot wait till I fully grasp it. Traveling and eventually migrating to a place no man has set foot on, at least no one I know has set foot on. Australia, I think of it as home already, basking in the sun's glory, having a permanent tan instead of the continuous sunburns I get by living here. The ocean, waves, sand, sunset with a Pinnacolada or a Cherry Temple with lots and lots of ice. Sun-dresses and flip flops, my hair down and my I-Pod full of Evanescence, Mozart, Debussy, Beethoven, Yanni, and many others. Going to the opera once every other week. Having a bunny with pink eyes who does nothing but eat lettuce and sleep all day. Mr. Fluffy Bugzy, maybe I would get him a Mrs. but I want him and I to enjoy being single and happy having each other to socialize with. It is a fragmented dream, but it's a dream that can be modified to meet my wishes and needs.
As beautiful as the future seems to me, it can wait. I want the present too, I want it exciting. This is, hopefully, my last semester, I hope it flies by. I was expecting a smashing one, however, drama is a bitch I think (Yeah I am back to nagging, suck it up and continue reading or close the bloody tab, no one is forcing you to read anyway.) I am way behind in my school work, not to mention me skipping classes. Bad bad H.
Love, crushes, lust, those tricky stuff that seem to intensify in the animal's mating season and make you almost believe that man was once an ape. Darwin you and your crap! A roller coaster of emotions, wanting to have someone to give it to them, the simple hand-holding, smile, a silent conversation. Laughs and pranks and some jealousy too, maybe a date or two, dancing. Late night conversations and the good morning wake up call. To be honest half of all this is made up, but I like to consider it as wishful thinking, maybe one day. Perhaps. At times one cannot help but feel lonely not because they are surrounded by the always-happy-ever-after couples, but because they experienced such feelings before. She knows what it is like to feel wanted, loved, to feel precious and pretty. They are all good feelings. Having someone to encourage you and to believe in you. God, I used to be happily oblivious, why am I such a curious person who has to try everything to feel satisfied?! Now where on earth am I to have anything like that now?!
Meh, enough nagging, already I am 20 years old not 92 for crying out loud.
Peace out! H!
Happy Easter folks!
Keep smiling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KagvExF-ijc&ob=av2
I know that I tend to be negative when I write here, for it is the only place I can truly express myself without being judged. No one knows who Lady H is unless she decides to unveil the mystery.
Back to my point, yesterday was the beginning of my 8-day break, a break away from drama, Facebook, Twitter, all means of socializing and focusing on the H, on me. I slept most of the day today and I do not regret it, in fact I feel refreshed, I needed it, so I took it. I watched my beloved sitcom The Big Bang Theory and I could not stop laughing at Sheldon's bird phobia! In this break, I tend to focus on me, do some deep self-cleansing and see where I want to go. I know I never tend to stick to a perfectly detailed plan no matter how "perfect" it is made, so I am going to draw a rough outline to where I want to head later in life.
The future is exciting and full of many adventures I intend to take. Independence, that sweet joyful word that sounds like choir bells to my ears. I love and I cannot wait till I fully grasp it. Traveling and eventually migrating to a place no man has set foot on, at least no one I know has set foot on. Australia, I think of it as home already, basking in the sun's glory, having a permanent tan instead of the continuous sunburns I get by living here. The ocean, waves, sand, sunset with a Pinnacolada or a Cherry Temple with lots and lots of ice. Sun-dresses and flip flops, my hair down and my I-Pod full of Evanescence, Mozart, Debussy, Beethoven, Yanni, and many others. Going to the opera once every other week. Having a bunny with pink eyes who does nothing but eat lettuce and sleep all day. Mr. Fluffy Bugzy, maybe I would get him a Mrs. but I want him and I to enjoy being single and happy having each other to socialize with. It is a fragmented dream, but it's a dream that can be modified to meet my wishes and needs.
As beautiful as the future seems to me, it can wait. I want the present too, I want it exciting. This is, hopefully, my last semester, I hope it flies by. I was expecting a smashing one, however, drama is a bitch I think (Yeah I am back to nagging, suck it up and continue reading or close the bloody tab, no one is forcing you to read anyway.) I am way behind in my school work, not to mention me skipping classes. Bad bad H.
Love, crushes, lust, those tricky stuff that seem to intensify in the animal's mating season and make you almost believe that man was once an ape. Darwin you and your crap! A roller coaster of emotions, wanting to have someone to give it to them, the simple hand-holding, smile, a silent conversation. Laughs and pranks and some jealousy too, maybe a date or two, dancing. Late night conversations and the good morning wake up call. To be honest half of all this is made up, but I like to consider it as wishful thinking, maybe one day. Perhaps. At times one cannot help but feel lonely not because they are surrounded by the always-happy-ever-after couples, but because they experienced such feelings before. She knows what it is like to feel wanted, loved, to feel precious and pretty. They are all good feelings. Having someone to encourage you and to believe in you. God, I used to be happily oblivious, why am I such a curious person who has to try everything to feel satisfied?! Now where on earth am I to have anything like that now?!
Meh, enough nagging, already I am 20 years old not 92 for crying out loud.
Peace out! H!
Happy Easter folks!
Keep smiling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KagvExF-ijc&ob=av2
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