Detoxing: The final phase.

Detoxing is not going to work. To detox, you need to admit that you have a problem. You cannot deny it during daytime, and write about it in the evening. It does not work like that, this is insanity at its finest. I cannot detox what I am still exploring, I cannot detox something I haven't deemed as addictive for me, yet.

Yes, I love to have people around me regardless their gender, I love and appreciate a good argument, a fascinating discussion, I love chocolates and my favorite drink is hot chocolate, my favorite colour is green; it makes me happy, and I don't like flowers apart from one. I know I am a handful and that I can be a very sophistical and contemplating person. I know that every now and then I suffer from a minor identity crisis regarding who am I and what was I meant to do and offer to the universe? I also know how practical I can be, to the point where I believe that I can measure emotions and deem something as good or not by just doing simple mathematics. I know that things are to go along a certain track, a logical one and if they ever fall off it, it will never be good for anyone.

I also know that people like to believe in love, that somewhere out there, a miracle named love exists. People have been searching for it for quiet a while, hoping that it would be a movie-like scenario, love from first sight, or a Disney movie: where the prince goes through hell while his princess awaits in her castle for them to reunite after dreaming of him, or learning about his existence through a fortune teller, or God knows what. I am not evil enough to ridicule that thought and to look down upon it. But why is love connected to the heart? Why cannot a girl love through her mind? Why cannot she reserve her feelings and emotions and let her mind do the math regarding compatibility, intelligence, sense of humour, and other vital parts: like how serious is that person? What are his/her goals regarding the future? Is there some sort of plan or will it forever be a Shakespearean courtship where eyes meet, and the lips are sealed with smiles; promises written in the form of sonnets and vows to never love after their death? To some, that is true romance, but romance dies quiet soon,  if it is not built properly on hard, solid, concrete bases.

How can I love a person for loving my favorite song, or for sharing the same horoscope as mine, baring in mind that there are millions of other people who surprisingly share with us a lot of other stuff like water, air, and sunlight. Doesn't mean that they too are my soul mates, our true partners, the ones I would sacrifice everything for. What about ambition, ever thought of that? How realistic these ambitions are or how insistent that person is to make his dreams come true? How educated is he, could he argue with you on different matters? Could he read and truly appreciate good music and literature? Is that person capable of embracing new ideologies, experiences, and try out life's different tastes in almost everything? Does that person love and truly appreciate life or is he a typical routine loving man? Not that it is a bad thing, that's not the issue, the issue is greater than that: it is whether or not can I adapt to such thing.

In a relationship, there is usually a leader and a settler. Some are born to steer the relationship, while others make sure that it is always floating, and do their best to avoid conflicts that might lead to it sinking at the very end. However, this is not always the case, because there could be two settlers in a relationship and in that case, there is no one to lead which would lead to their starvation, or till someone decides to play a role that is bigger than his, that wasn't meant for him, or they drift apart searching for their leader. In all of these scenarios it does not really work. Yet, things are not better with having two leaders, fighting all the time to assert authority could lead to disasters and an endless competition of who is better than whom. Each will try to conquer the other, and naturally will end up in scars and drifting apart searching for their kind settlers who would gladly clean them up and restore their hope that life is not as bad as they have perceived it. But then, what if a leader loved or was attracted to a settler? How would he cope? Would he drastically change for him, hide his true personality, which by time would show? Would he hand him over the keys to this relationship, or would he drift away knowing that it was bound to fail? Could a leader swap places for a settler just to be with whom he loves, or would he choose to be a martyr and watch his settler find his own settler and become their leader? It never is easy, for that would not be life.

So am I over-thinking? Of course! Am I jumping into conclusions? Again, of course, otherwise that would not be me at all.

All my life, I have been fighting for independence which I haven't achieved a 100%, but whatever I have got, I have cherished. The idea of letting go, the idea of taking a leap of faith is scary to me. I fear of getting too dependent on someone that if they decide to leave, I will be in a shock that would take me time to overcome. I want to feel like a settler, for once, knowing that no matter what, my leader will always be there for me; catching me, supporting me, discovering the world with me, arguing and discussing things with me. I know I am selfish, but I deserve the whole package like any other, and if mine is a bit customized then so what? I can wait. Until then, I can write as long as I am inspired and have something to say. I can read. I can dream, contemplate, meditate and have a successful life and a blossoming career. I can be powerful. I will make his task even harder. He will have to follow me up the ladder into greatness, and to have something equally wonderful to give to the universe to deserve to be with me. I want to inspire him enough to try something he never thought of trying or to change something in him, to make him, for example, see the world in a new perspective.I want him, no I expect him, to change something as drastic in me as I did in him.

I am aware that I have leashed out a great amount of myself in this post, but trying to find myself demands me digging as deep as possible in my mini-universe in hopes that finding what I want will lead to what I was meant to be?

I am considering to change the tittle of the blog, not quiet sure what, yet. Thoughts?

Peace out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bosouX_d8Y

Detoxing for Solitude: Day 7

Life, today, was a blur. Waking up and suddenly you're in the street; greeting friends and BAM you are working; giving a ten-minute break that ends up feeling like a lifetime, because you just want to get done with everything that it is so frustrating.

Today was a good day, but I am afraid I did not enjoy it as I should have. My target today was to do my best to detox no matter what it takes, I was detoxing and I was proud but I forgot to live. I forgot to step back and see the bigger picture. I was so focused on my mission that I forgot the other mini-missions that have been set along the road to keep it company. I don't remember, it was a blur. A good blur though, it felt really good, warm and fuzzy, like eating ripe peaches and watching sunset while listening to Yanni. I think even the blur had its good aspect; it told me to slow down and be proud that I am after my solitude, that I am earnest and insisting, but also I should observe and feel my surroundings.

A new mission has been added to my piled up mini-ones, it is to continue writing while working. I will just have to pursue it even more relentlessly than before. Life is beautiful, it is gorgeous when it rewards you for being a good player. You know when it is warm and sunny with a gust of wind., that perfect weather that is so rare to be found? I believe this is how life rewards the people who truly appreciate her. She reminds them that it's not always about work, or being too serious or frowning all the time, and for those who understand and truly adopt this, life graciously grants them such perfect rare weather for them to enjoy and in hopes that it would make the frowns, sigh and contemplate such beauty. Take a deep breath, unwind, and relax, you deserve it. For no matter what, one should never sleep with a guilty conscience, a heavy soul, or a mind full of wandering thoughts that could leak to the other side and spoil a day that is yet to be born.

I am not preaching, I am just updating you with my latest explorations regarding the philosophy I have adopted while detoxing.

Till I see you tomorrow, that is the song that has been accompanying me while writing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZhQOvvV45w

Peace out! H!

Detoxing for Solitude: Day 5 and 6

For some reason I am going through this age awareness process. I am twenty-one; and for some reason, I feel like I am fifty. Do you know these little sweet old ladies who have a twinkle in their eyes when you mention what do you want to be when you grow up and they just smile knowingly and say: "Oh dear, you will be even greater;" that's who I feel like telling myself on a daily basis, recently. I know I am destined to do great. My flashbacks are repetitive, I keep remembering every single moment I spent in error and being a reckless little girl. I am not repenting my deeds, on the contrary. I have learned a lot about myself through them I am just contemplating regarding what am I to do next. I am not lost, I am on a break, just watching.

First days are always the worst, lack of sleep can let your mind wander to unpleasant incidents, things that you would love to pretend to not exist. That's not where I would like to wander again. Not much is to be mentioned this time.

Peace Out! H!

Detoxing for Solitude: Day 4

Waking up lazy on an important day is not a good thing, you get to coax yourself into doing what you know you should have done way back, but were having "fun" so you postponed it. See why having a plan is good? You avoid such pleasantries of procrastinating. I need to get my universe straight again. I need my sense of accomplishment, I do not want to drown in a guilt trip that I could have avoided.

The inspiration to go on writing is kindling which is good, I suppose. I need to write, to express my inner self's feelings, to feel connected to her. It is really ironic that I keep writing on being unable to write. I guess that is me letting my stream of consciousness run loose. I get to write about it and you get to read about it!

Only yesterday I listened to one of my favorite Disney songs: "Journey to the Past"- Anastasia, it was really nostalgic listening to it. Oh dear, it is lovely! I can always relate to it on some level. Yet, my journey is to the future, to dig deep down myself and find out what was I meant for, what has my universe planned for me, what great successes that are waiting for me to be tackled! A really hopeful and encouraging song to be listened to in the early morning hours. It is enough to make me smile, and just look forward to whatever is about to come. I am writing my journey, I am setting the events as I speak, every step is an unfolding of what is to happen.

The haphazard thoughts force me to write my parallel universe of tranquility where I am all cuddled down with a fluffy blanket, hot chocolates and marshmallows reading a really good book in the garden on a fall evening. Such a peaceful picture to visualize and feel content about. My thoughts keep rushing to the day I get back to work, how I would choke or just get all nervous. I try to put these thoughts at bay considering that is not the first time I have went through that process, I need to focus. Detoxing is no longer for solitude it's for the sake of my insanity, to restore back the balanced madness.

Enough of this madness already, have a great day!

Peace out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zD-zXZdvyQ

Detoxing for Solitude: Day 3

I never claimed that I am the most perfect organized human being on earth, but there are some things that I need to have organized and planned to perfection. For example, my wardrobe, that is arranged according to the colours of the rainbow from red, orange, yellow, going to violet, and then brown, gray, black, and white. Why do I make such a fuss about it? Well because they look pretty every time I open the wardrobe; seeing them this way untouched makes me happy and proud that I made all this by myself. However, if someone ever touches my rainbow organized wardrobe, to add or take out anything from it, all hell breaks loose! I tear the whole thing down and restart again with a different pattern till I calm down. The process of folding and rearranging gets me to calm down, that my little universe has law and orders that are to be followed to the letter.

The same thing goes for my work, I organize how the week is supposed to go and I do my best to follow and meet the deadlines I put for myself. If I succeed, I give myself a pat on the shoulder; if not, then I punish myself to meet it before the week ends, no matter what. There must be order. I think I am a special type of O.C.D. ( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.) My desk is to be arranged the way I have arranged it, nothing is to be moved, not even slightly from its place. I feel that there is something terribly wrong when I work, as if my senses tingle to tell me something is misplaced; and then I get to rearrange it to wash away that terrible feeling. I am a very tiresome person to live with, if you are a slob or even worse a spontaneous person.

I used to be a spontaneous person back when I was a student, nothing ever planned, nothing ever calculated, just going with the flow. A very haphazard way of life if you ask me. You don't get to do anything nor accomplish much. Life is to be enjoyed throughly, but when you are done with your chores and tasks. The sense of accomplishment accompanied by the leisure of laying back and having fun is way better than the guilt trip that is forced upon the soul for neglecting their duties while having their share of fun.

Peace Out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg1dMpu4v7M

Detoxing for Solitude: Day 2

Watching romantic-comedy and drama series and movies while detoxing is never a good idea. You get to visualize how it could have been, you create scenarios you know will never happen. The thought excites you, but that's pretty much it.

While detoxing, I am trying to isolate myself from any male counterpart, I do not want to visualize something I am not ready for. I just, I really do not know, I do not feel like writing today. I am a bit empty, void.

In a castle made of glass, I see everything around me, it is so vast, so spacious, but I sit down and watch. I see a mother cooking while talking to her sister. A son playing video games all day, pulling all nighters just to finish a level. I see an arrogant person who just assumes that everything is supposed to be at the tips of his fingers. I see a father who is just a father. I see me, watching the television, writing, trying to figure out how it all ends.

My thoughts today are disorganized. I haven't found out my working plan yet. As a working woman, I need goals. I need to have a "what's next" plan. I want success and I shall have it. That is my new outline, my greater plan.

Peace out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcFHuUJE0mU

Detoxing for Solitude: Day 1

Thoughts: Today's agenda revolves around cooking, baking, enjoying some homemade goodies and just having a good time. I have promised myself to bake since I took my two weeks off, and today is the day I decide to make my promise come true.

What I love about baking is the action; you need to knead the dough over and over till it has a smooth texture, while mixing the ingredients. You can always be creative, you add carrots, olives, some cheese perhaps? Maybe some tarragon? Who knows? The possibilities are really endless! Baking is more or less like life to me. I knead my way through life till I get it the way I want it, not the way it's meant to be; my ingredients are a bunch of hits or miss. Sometimes I can choose carrots and cheese and they turn up tasting horrible, and I bake a new batch with new compatible ingredients and hope it would taste good this time, and later on I get to improve the recipe.

So back to the detoxing process:
2 texting occassions so far. Not bad for a first day.

Peace Out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cuR_Vi6vas&list=UU0q_PBWOkFe3SKllFXf3eWw&index=9

Detoxing for Solitude

I have never been alone. Although that sounds like a blessing, it's not. You see, if I cannot be alone and survive, how dare I claim to be a tough feminist who needs no man in her life, when, since my early university years, I have always had some sort of crush on someone? It does not make sense. I have never been alone. It terrifies me.

My need for a constant male company of some sort is nothing but alarming! Why cannot I be satisfied that I now work and have a social life? I should not be making lists of what I want in my prince charming, when I am not ready to strive alone out there. How can I know what I want if I keep searching out there for what I think I lack when it's clearly that the fault lies within? Why settle for the happy marital status, for changing my Facebook status to: "Lady H has gone from single to in a relationship" when I can be anything I set my mind to? I want to travel, but why? I have no clue. Is it because there is great potential out there, is it for tourism's sake, for gaining experiences, making memories, to run away from someone, from something, for what? Why do I want to pursue my studies? Is it because I want to or because my family would love to see a PhD in my non existent office room? Why am I so keen on doing many things? Do I even want them or are they forced upon me? Am I that brainwashed into believing that what they want for me is what I actually want?

Why am I afraid of commitment is, ironically, because I am afraid to be alone. I need to spend time with the "me"" to figure out her needs, I cannot keep on forcing her to meet new people, to have fantasies on "could haves" instead of reality, to daydream the "what ifs", I cannot keep this up. The "me" has been weak for so long I need to provide her with nourishment, I need to be alone, for a while.

I have decided this: for the next 30 days, I am to document my everyday extravagance with any male encounter, I need to keep track of the madness to cure it. I want to be able to be alone and enjoy it, I want to be alone and live in a content way. My name is Lady H and I am an addict. I am addicted to having a male figure in my life. I am detoxing.

Peace Out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSarZ7g1F-g

A new stage

It's not about inspiration, it's more of having this insatiable urge to write. To write everything and anything, to bring my stream of consciousness alive. To raise the dead, the way Frankenstein did to his creature. To play the role of Mother Nature; to corrupt when angered, to tear it all down before building everything from scratch. This is what I usually do, whenever I am upset or in need to concentrate, I clean. I tear down my closet, rearrange my bed, over and over, till all the pillows are equally fluffy, and iron my socks like there is no tomorrow. Unfortunately, I cannot do this to everything else that just seems so wrong. I cannot take over. I do not interfere, though I wish I could.

I feel like the super villain, I can actually relate to him, he sees that his way is the best. Why discuss when you can simply command? A super villain will put the world to rest, he can find organization amidst havoc. He destroys because he knows that this structure was never "the" structure. He seeks perfection, but God forbid that this happens; for the super heroes are the real true bad guys, who will do anything to restore the "order." People don't live in peace and tranquility in that "order" they are just some really poor guys who have been brainwashed all this time, they are made to think that mediocre is good, that this is as far as you can reach. That deconstruction is what the super heroes are trying to fight with all their might. There is no room for anything but the norm. The heroes are the fire igniting Moloch's hunger, they feed him submission, he in return tyrannizes them. Creativity is banned, repetition is embraced with malice. The villains loose because they are outnumbered by the Red Queen's soldiers who simply follow orders, they never stop to think that the foe might be a friend, one capable of rescuing their souls that help feed the Dementors who are feasting over their long lost dreams and hopes. It's a vicious Oscar-worthy circle.

My next stage is not to rebel, it is to contemplate, to try and think. I want to meditate, to visualize the deconstruction. I am not keen on breaking nor abiding by the rules; no I feel like embracing whatever the universe plans on throwing at me. I shall not seek what is not mine, till I have a sign to go after it. Today, I am the receiver not the giver. Bring it on, I say!

Peace out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5VcWD2LI7U

The List

Regardless the fact that it's been way too long since I last wrote anything about well anything, I have decided that enough of all this. I miss writing. Today I shall talk about: "The List", how I want my future partner in crime to be.

Physical appearance counts but not that much, one day he will be as handsome as a classic James Bond, the other not that good. I am going after the personality, the character this time, I want him as follows:

Kind, understanding, healthy, fun, smart, quiet, mysterious, loving, devoting, charismatic, a friend, a brother, a father, a partner, a lover. I want someone with black hair, sweet smile, calm tone of voice, with a twisted sarcastic sense of humor, a passionate scholar, someone who knows how to peel oranges. I want someone with a sense of adventure, someone who knows I can never be held back; who understands that I need space, that I may leave, but I will come back even more lovingly; appreciating his trust and understanding my need to be set free for a while, to be able to get lost in a good book, or get caught up in work or school. For when I come back, "us" will be as stronger as ever, and as passionate.

"The List" can be changed over and over, there are no limits. Deep down I know that I will find him one day,with the exact description, if not, then better .

To be honest, what I like about me, is that I have reached a point in my life, where prince charming no longer occupies my number one on the list of priorities. Right now, I am focusing on my work and my Pre-M.A I want to be a successful person; Lady H is evolving.

I have reread my previous posts; and ignoring my grammar and spelling mistakes, I found so much anger which I have been carrying around the past year. I honestly do not know, but apparently I have decided to take the high road and start to let go of it gradually. Now I am more at peace with my inner me. I am still confused with no clue on what to do next. But guess what? It really does not matter. Baby steps are 2013's new plan. I shall not fret on what is to happen. "Seize the day from now on", that is my new motto! Life is too beautiful for you to pass by holding a grudge against someone who might not remember what did he or she do to make a jerk out of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KagvExF-ijc

Peace out! H!