Milestones and Perspectives

Some time ago, I found out that I had a devoted reader and it had truly made my day! Thank you!

Ever since I have started this blog, I have taken it upon myself to try not to reveal as much as possible anything about my physical aspects. I wanted whoever was reading to just try to visualize my speech and not my body. I don't know why, but that was the main theme for myself. To provide an air of mystique and allure, I believe. However, I have decided today to reveal a drastic trait in my physical appearance, that, for those who know me have had a hard time adjusting to it.

I am a Muslim woman of 21 years of age, and I have recently decided to wear the hijab. I don't know why people were surprised, if not confused by this act. A lot were utterly shocked and the meaningless question: "Why did you that?" kept popping all day long at work. When my answers were not that satisfying for them, they have resorted to their own speculations. Allow me to humor you with a few of them:
1. "Were you sexually harassed?"
2. "Is there someone about to propose to you?"/ "Are you engaged?"
3. "Do you have body issues?"/ "Do you hate your body?"
4. "You were the last person I would think of to do such an act!"
5. "Is this for the holy month of Ramadan only?"
6. "You will regret this act soon!"
7. " Oh dear, now you will never be able to get married!"

When I decided to wear my hijab, I did it because I felt that I needed to do it. I did it to please no man on Earth, but for inner peace. I feel calm, to some extend. I am aware that my hair that used to run wild in every possible direction was a distraction to people, but it was my pride and joy as well. I know that by deciding to cover it up, all of sudden, might be seen as shocking to some, but this was not how I have seen it. I thank God that my abrupt and sudden decision to wear it did not hinder me or make me look back. I just looked in the mirror and decided that it's time now.

My hijab today is one week old. I am still having a hard time adjusting the head scarf and making it stay in its place, but I am working on it, and soon, I know, I will be able to add my personal touch to it.

Now, to be fair, not all the reactions were as negative as the ones I have mentioned earlier. I have received a lot of "Congratulations!" on Facebook, mainly, in addition; some friends of mine bought me head scarves as a form of encouragement to which I am thankful.

So, how is life after the hijab?
Well, it is not restricting as I thought it would be. So far, I am living my normal life as if nothing has changed, which is good, I believe. Sure, the harassment on the streets has almost disappeared for me to which I find as something sad. For people to give themselves the right to harass a girl just for choosing to let her hair run down her back is just heartbreaking and not fair. Who are you to give yourself the right to do such an action? It is her right to enjoy her hair as long as she pleases, and it's your obligation to lower your gaze and start behaving like an actual human being and let her be. Her choice must be respected, regardless of what you think of it. I mean seriously, hasn't it occurred to you, for a second, that this girl might not share your religion? That she could be a Christian, Jewish, Atheist, Buddhist, who does not wear it because it does not say so in her religion of choice? She might be a Muslim who isn't ready to wear it yet, who are you to force it upon her?

What about your wardrobe?
Well, I was never the type of girl who would walk on the streets with super short skirts and tiny T-shirts, I was modest, so the change in that department was not drastic as well.

Do you care about people's reaction towards it?
No, why should I? My action has affected no one but myself, it did not harm any of them; so why should I care about their puzzled faces and dumbfound looks?

This post was written for no purpose other than documenting this event.
Peace out! H!

Reminiscing.

As I was cleaning my old Facebook page, I came across some of my very first writings I thought I would share it here:

1. Love Sucks: (2009)

 Very powerful for someone who, back then, had experienced love and romance through really bad shows:

 "She loved a man once who promised her life would be heaven. They used to dream together about the day they both were going to be together forever. The perfect wife she was and the ideal husband was he; that was in front of the people. But inside, at night, when doors were closed; all one could here was her screaming to him to leave her alone, and his nonstop beating to her. Now does it ring a bell? Of course it does! Like a friend of mine once said: "in this world, there is no romance or love; only greed and materialism that concurs our reality. Those who believe that love will solve whatever problem one faces, are day dreamers. They do not know that love is the main cause of destruction and sorrow." I mean, why on earth would people believe that love is the way to happiness or that baloney they talk about? Love is just a reason for people to keep believing that tomorrow will be a better place."

2. Valentine's Day: (2009)

I guess I was in a better mood than the one before:

"Valentine's day was never made for lovers only to exchange presents and express their love to each other. It was made also for us, to make us appreciate the fact that we are surrounded by true friends and family members; who simply love us for being us and not for hidden benefits. So let us just enjoy this wonderful day with our friends -and our lovers-for those who have- and Happy Valentine's Day to u all."

3. Goodbye Love: (2009)

My early attempts for poetry. I do not really quite understand the domineering theme of angst, and hatred I have been sporting back then:

"I was a little kid,
 Not knowing what love was,
 And one day you came by,
 Your smile was sweet and your hair was messed,
 You asked me how I was,
 And asked me the direction to my heart,
 I was naive enough to show you and not make you search for it,
 And when you reached it, you took it and smashed it!
 I built the sweet castles of happiness for us both,
 But you simply came by and blew it away.
 I tried to convince my heart that you were upset that day,
 But my brain refused to believe my lie,
 Reminded me of the other day,
 When I waited for you under the rain,
 You did not bother yourself to call and apologize.
 But guess what Mr. Arrogant?!
 I am a big girl now!
 I have restored my brain,
 Welded the pieces of my broken heart.
 I do not need a pathetic loser like you no more.
 You can kiss my love goodbye,
 Weep for the days you did not appreciate my love to you.
 Goodbye Love."

4. On My Own (2009)

Another poetry attempt:

"When roses bloom and trees become green,
Spring is here!
Oh what a relief!
My heart's gone numb along with my soul,
For you, no longer, have me under parole.
You were never nice,
But I don't need you!
I am on my own,
Thanks to you, I've never felt relieved.

That's my story what about yours?
You were selfish, cheap and always in need.
I was generous, blind and easy to deceive.
Run along now, I need you no more,
Thanks to you, I am a big girl now.

Fuck love and life who needs them both?
I am on my own and need you no more.
Love's a big lie you made me believe.
To you I was a bet, you were challenged to beat.
My love was true,
Yours was a fraud.

The hell was I thinking?
I should have killed you!
On the count of three,
When you lied and said you were in love.

Silly me to believe life's pink,
For you have made it simply stink!
Who are we kidding?
We have never been in love.
I am on my own and I am not going to love no more."

Ken (2010):

I don't think I was a big fan of the opposite sex!

"In the mall, I saw you with your perfect dazzling eyes that would make any girl sigh. You would make Adonis jealous with your mere presence. Perfect from the outside, empty on the inside. I look into your eyes, and I see nothing and it makes me frustrated. You have depended on your looks for too long, you no longer have a soul, and the problem with me is that I do not care about how you look. You would rather stay for hours styling your hair than sit and have a conversation about literature or the upcoming music fair. You are a "Ken" with no views on live what so ever and my last advice for you is to stay out of the sun because no one likes the smell of burning plastic!

5. Hot Pink (2010)

That was inspired by my daily journey to the university via public transportation:

"This is dedicated to every girl who suffers from public transportation; just bare with me.
Of course we have all seen what happens when we all have to take public transportation. Someone passing elbows you, a mother with her crying baby, and someone taking the bus with his gigantic backpack. For all these reasons, my future company Hot Pink presents to you the Hot Pink buses for transportation.
So how do these buses look?
Well, for starters, its colour is hot pink, naturally. It has black curtains. The bus is provided with very comfy chairs with enough space for your poor feet who have the right not to be squished and squashed after a very long day at work. There is a basket bin next to each chair so as to throw away tissue papers and gum wrappers. The fee depends on your destination. There will be air conditioner. The bus driver will be a lady.

The Bus Rules:

1. The bus has specific stops so no need to stand before you destination.
2. No children allowed on the bus under the age of 15.
3. NO MALES ALLOWED ON.
4. Smokers are not allowed on the bus.
5. Once the bus is full, it will no longer stop for anyone.
6. Passengers are not allowed to listen to music loudly.

Have a pleasant ride!

6. Untitled (2010)

Still sad poetry, but better writing, I believe. I moved from full pure angst to yearning:

"She looks up and sighs,
As she gazes high in the sky,
Stars twinkling here and there,
While poor her, has nowhere,
Loneliness is a curse,
She wishes for her worse.

Being down and blue,
With absolutely no clue,
She wanders over,
To the fields of clover,
Sitting and thinking,
As her depression comes down sinking,
For she has no home,
To call her own.

Darkness wraps her,
Hatred blinds her,
Full of envy and green,
As she watches then so keen,
Laughing and dancing, all in white,
As she waits for her shining knight,
To smile and bow his head,
The way she wanted before being dead,
To take her to a castle, that will be her home,
And gets to call it one of her own"

7. Thoughts I: (2010)

Still being a drama queen:

"I saw you today, being gentle with her and all kind. Why couldn't you be like that with me? Was I too much to handle? Did I do something wrong? Because I saw her, and I am sorry to say she is “not all that”. Hell I am way better; but it looks like you cannot handle those who are out of your league, who once loved and cherished you, who were willing to do anything to see you smile. Do you remember our first walk on the beach hand in hand; I was the one who touched yours not the other way round. I just realized it was always me who went and made the first step. Our relationship was a mere convenience for you, for you not to be out from the "IN-Group". Wow and you accuse me of being shallow! How ironic! But after all is said and done, I still love you and I wish you happiness with her because I am not a witch and because I have no control over my heart."

8. Thoughts II: (2010)

"Who am I?

I am that type of a girl who her male friends would confide in; who would give them advice on how to treat a lady. I am the girl who would have no problem getting her hands dirty for work or enjoyment, who boys think of as another male friend and would joke around freely knowing she would understand them and not criticize them. The girl who would be friends with her love and would be strong enough to help him get his “perfect other”, from his point of view, the one that would go and spread a good word for him just for “her” sake. The one who would set up the date for both of them and have the courage to raise the telephone and ask about it after it’s over. I am the girl who would listen to him being in love and saying he finally got it right; she will be thrilled for him from the outside while crying on the inside. She will never tell him though, in hopes that he would one day realize she was the one for him. She still would be hoping to catch his eye, that he might consider her a girl and not a boy. But for now she is contented as long as he is happy. I am that girl waiting patiently to realize what a fool he was all that time."

9. Thoughts III: (2010)

How I have envisioned my prince charming:

"My Gentleman

I do not want you to be perfect, for perfection I seek in dreams. I want you to care and make me feel special. A little jealousy won’t kill for it will show me that you still care. I want you to be my friend when I need one, my protector, and my soul mate. I do not care about fancy dates or expensive gifts, some alone time with you makes me over the moon and a small “I love you” will mean the world to me.

I know you are a human and you are allowed to make mistakes, but so am I and I am allowed to feel disappointed when you stand me up with no word of apology what so ever.

I want you to act like a gentleman, to open the door for me, to stand up when you see me approaching and to give me your coat when I am cold. Those small gestures mean the world to me and show me that you really care. Unfortunately, you never get a hint, and I do not why I still did not give up on you. You are far from what I thought I want and expect, yet there is this strange feeling that keeps pulling me towards you, it is so powerful that I find it hard to resist. You make me overlook all of this, I cannot lay a finger on this weird happy sensation I feel when I am around you. Why my heart flutters when I am around you, why my hands become freezing in the middle of the Summer when we shake hands, why am I so shy and nervous to talk to you, and why do I feel so down and blue when you go, maybe am sick after all, for you seem to revive me with your mere presence."

10. Thoughts IV: (2010)

What I have recited in my first poetry recital:

"Silence in a noisy crowd,
Screaming at the top of my lungs,
No one listens! No one cares!
Looking in a mirror with no reflection,
No shadow in the sun,
Who am I? What is going on?
No one answers! No one bothers!
Everybody is idle.
I run past them, shaking some,
Do you hear me? Do you see me?
-No response-
I give up and my reflection is back!
My shadow is there and my voice is clear!
I am like you all now!
Now they hear me!
I hang my head in shame
As I have lost my identity."

Thoughts V: (2010)

I was feeling numb back then.:

"Shattered glass everywhere,
 Windows crashing down,
 Gun shots going wild,
 Children screaming,
 Chaos! Chaos!
 No help? How typical!
 Fire blazes and eats away the building,
 As their screams fade away.
 The crowd is silent as they watch the fire in awe.
 The bodies come out barely recognized.
 I pray a silent prayer,
 For all those who I watched them go.

Well I guess that I have evolved since then a lot.

Peace out! H!

My Blood!

Imagine opening your blog and you no longer have access to your own blog. I feel like my baby has been stolen from me. I see my posts yet I cannot add any new documentation. I panic and I am incapable of breathing. Suddenly, I am a little child lost in a huge toy store with no mommy and not enough toys in it to compensate such lost. Add to this, listening to Alice in Wonderland's playlist was not helping; “but how will you find your way, Alice?” Really now?

I need to document. In the morning I am neutral, well as neutral as I can be. I have decided to be passive. Yet, I realized that I have this crazy and scary ability to hold it all in and not burst to a thousand mad women screaming at the top of their lungs at the same time. To be honest, I have no idea what am I waiting for; for the final blow, but it did not happen, yet. My world is hectic and crazy and I need to feel I have control over it to relax and not to loose my sanity.

Yes, I am a control freak. I must be one. I love rules and working according the book; it makes life so much easier. I also love to just throw all the paper work behind my back and shout "to hell with everything!" I used to be easy going. I was F***everything; I am here to have fun not to moan and complain. I used to be sophistical; wanting to know all about the hows and the whys; then I started working and it was like being on the receiving end of a Dementor's kiss, sucking life till the very last drop. Not how I imagined my first kiss, mind you.

I miss literature and analyzing and counter analyzing everything. I miss my eight in the morning discussions; with my professors and the smell of coffee as we sipped it to keep us alert of the throwing accusations of one character or another as we jumped in with our analysis to save him from his doom. I miss how I used to wake up eager to start the day. Of course, there were days when I hated getting up and when I pulled an all nighter to finish an assignment, but now I miss it all. I wont replace them for anything. My Pre. M.A. friends are more blessed than they could ever possibly phantom.

I believe that my artistic side has been brutally butchered right in front of my very own eyes, and I did not even take the time to grieve over her; I moved on. I embraced this impossibly pragmatic persona that gets her job and her whole life done, always on the go, no time to stop, contemplate, and take it all in. I still have dreams, but as far as I know, they shall forever be dreams. I do not think in ten years I can make my twenty year old self proud of what I have accomplished; there will always be a missing piece, yet I wont be trying to search for her because I know where she is, under the bed in a dusty shoe box.

I have been Egyptianized, ladies and gentlemen. I became normal. I am not creative. I am not unique. I am suffocated and voiceless. A typical Egyptian woman, someone who would be on the look for the eligible bachelor to wrap around him the invisible threads of allure and romance and then fatten herself up and cry when he moves on and finds him a sexy mistress, but she wont do anything for she would fear the alternative; she would fear divorce.

I feel myself slipping away into the vortex of normalhood. I don't go out because I have to save money for the upcoming soon to be future of a possible husband. I have to sleep early, because I cannot function on five hours of sleep and coffee, like I used to. I am not the hero I drew and promised myself to be. I am normal. I am so depressed I cannot verbally communicate it. One day my writing shall slip away. I want to cry, but I know no one will understand. The Egyptian word I detest the most when I cry: "Aww, poor you, it will be fine." No it will never be fine! You are not in my shoes and you will never be!" What pains me is nothing but trash for you. You cannot truly understand my misery. You ridicule it and you gossip about it and you have enough audacity to pretend to sympathize with me. Screw you, kind sir; screw you, fair lady. You only heard the story. You have not truly lived it. Screw your sympathy! I am mad and furious and I refuse to be narrowed down to a voiceless mindless housewife who does nothing but bare her burden in peace and silence. No! I will complain and I will bitch about it. I will bitch about inequality and I will complain about how the sink is always full of dirty dishes. I will force him to put the toilet seat down and I will force him to do the dishes. He is to listen to me in silence when I reach my breaking point.

He will shut up and gaze in awe as he sees me rise up gracefully from my nervous breakdown and he would be speechless when he sees me carrying on as if nothing had happened. He will always wonder but never truly understand. I am a woman. I used to be powerful and I shall forever be. I am everything and its opposite. I am your sweetest dream and your worst nightmare. I am more than meets the eye. I will live and die and you will never know my complete story. Gazing from Hell or Heaven I shall forever scorn you all. I am to rebel; for I am a phoenix you have not seen the last of me yet; and you never shall. I never regret my points of weakness or my tumbling moments. I take pride in them for they always push me forward. I move on, out of spite and self improvement; to prove to all those who thought they could shut me up in a box, wrong. I shall grow, read, cook, love, get hurt, burn recipes, cry, laugh and evolve. I will travel even if it's the last thing to do. I will publish my memoirs and you would be standing at the end of my book signing queue waiting for my pen to grace your copy of Me, and I would only give you a tiny smile and a little wave and turn my back.

I am not the bigger person. I am a woman who believes in revenge. I am successful to prove you wrong and I am a bitch in your eyes because you cannot and never will top me. I am Hla and this is just the beginning of my open ended story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFatODUR1CE

Peace out! H!