Between Acceptance and Self-Expression

With every rejection, heartache, disappointment, and failed expectations rise something new in you. It could be hope, resilience, the urge to fight back or it could be defeat, depression, and allowing sadness to swallow you up whole. With every time you choose to be yourself, to be the loud, fun, persona, you will be faced with those who harshly critique you and try to throw you down a big pile of negativity in hopes that you shall not rise. With every time you choose to conform, to abide by what they want, whoever ‘they’ are, you earn acceptance and false pretenses of love, but you lose your very essence. With every time you say no, you get to be isolated and with every yes against theirs you get to see the panic as it rises in their eyes.

Being honest with your self, first, and with others, second, is not as easy as they write. You get to fight lots of fights against conforming, against traditions, against what was already there for no obvious reason. Every time you use your mind, it blows them away, and they will try over and over to tear you down. Don’t kneel, your creation was not made for that.

At times you might want to just say ‘fuck it’ and do whatever they want you to do to gain a few minutes of peace throughout the day, but when midnight strikes, your conscience would not let you sleep it away. The moment you say yes with not that much of a conviction will haunt you forever. The same scene will get played and replayed over and over in your mind with every possible response and comeback that could have been said when you held your tongue from it. You will drive yourself into madness just for a couple of minutes that were not all that great.

Peace of mind comes easily by agreeing on whatever there is to agree. Thinking, on the other hand, is time consuming, tiring and over all hectic. It leads to headaches and sleepless nights, a lot of questioning and self-doubt, but in the end, you reach a conclusion that is just right for you; a conclusion that goes in harmony with your beliefs and ideas. Life was not meant to be dictated upon us, it is meant to be explored. 

Diversity should be celebrated and accepted. I am not obliged to hold your hands as we disagree, but I am obliged to defend your right to say whatever you believe in, even when it is against mine. Acceptance is difficult. What makes it more difficult is that it is hard for two people to allow one another to express their opinions without cutting in. Cutting someone while they talk is not that much of a great thing, you are just reflecting how weak you truly are. You cannot listen and you cannot counter-argue them so yo cut them and ridicule them and purposely hurt them to get them to shut up, because you are weak. Because you chose not to do your homework and research and now you are standing there gaping at what they are saying with no words coming out of your mouth. You disgust me!

Peace Out! H!

It Is A New Year, When I Say It Is!

Happy belated new year! It is belated for a reason, you see just because a 2013 decided to switch to a 2014 does not make it necessarily new. Why? Well, because you ought to feel the change, merge with the change, and be the change. Life is good no matter what it throws at you, if you decide to fight back. Moping around and saying that you are good for nothing is really really really stupid and does not help anybody.

In life you have several things you might ace at. It could be work, studies, love, social life, health, luck, it could be anything and it could be only one of the those only. The optimistic side of me says that I need to accept what I am good at and try to nourish it more and more. However, the cynical me says that one is never enough, I need more, and more, and more. Where do I stand? I stand in the middle of both sides. I should accept what the universe has decided to give me and I should seek more and ask for more. The universe won't give me success because I am a good person, nor will it help me ace my studies because I have a beautiful skin tone. No, the universe chooses to deprive me of something she could easily grant me because she knows that I am capable of fighting a hell of a fight to take it and make it mine. This is her way of helping me improve and push myself forward. I would be a fool not to get the message. So for those out there who are still whining and saying why me? This is the answer. You can do it, you are just too lazy to go get it.

So my plan for my new year is a gradual one. I need to do a lot in a specific time frame. You see, I am the goddess of planning! I can plan everything from a simple outing to a lavish 5-star wedding and honeymoon plan. I am that good, however, I suck at sticking to it, if it is about me. So the first resolution is to come up with an easy reachable plan and stick to it. Right now, there are my Masters' courses, my health, and my questionable career. This year I want those three to be of great success. What am I giving up in return is my nonexistent romantic life and my negative and cynical attitude towards life in general. Okay, I will try to lessen the second one, no guarantees though!

I guess before planning the great year ahead of me, I need to purge out what held me back the past year. I was not meant to have a romantic lovey dovey life and I have come to accept this last night. I am the girl who will be forever stuck in the friend-zone, but sure as hell won't end up with a cat on her lap in her forties. Now that I have come to full acceptance, I can just stop trying to hard to be someone I was not meant to be and focus on the one I really am. The lost creative soul with a dark and twisted sense of humor who only a few can get and laugh at. I am a person who loves writing and reading but rarely makes time for them. I am the person who is willing to try anything that would make her feel alive and feel the adrenaline pumping in her. I am a person who is willing to break free from her parents, gradually instead of ripping of the bandage as fast as possible to make it painless for both of us. Why do I do that? I am a coward when it comes to them and the emotional blackmail is something I am not willing to live with. I am not quite sure what this says about me, but I am an introverted extrovert if that even makes sense. I love baking, but rarely my recipes come out as edible.

I have been watching Grey's Anatomy for a while and that is something shameful in my book, but I am indulging myself in it nonetheless; my guilty pleasure. I don't like to go out anymore, but I force myself to every once in a while. I am a person who is fighting so hard not to be house broken, I am trying to resist the urge to stay at home, a place that gives me no personal space, no privacy, no acceptance to who I really am, but it stays as a go to refugee, for I have no other options. I am a strange being with complexities I cannot even  begin to understand in myself. I am a person with multiple personalities depending on who am I talking to. I don't recall a person who has seen every side of me so far. I am a chameleon, I choose to blend in rather than stand out because I hate the frost awkward silence I might face if I show them who I really am. That was how I saw myself.

Today, I am the person who is no longer afraid to be alone. I am the person who is willing to show her true self without fearing what others might say. Today I am the person who no matter what will stand up to her parents and decide that enough is enough! Today, I am the person who won't shy away because she fears the loud voices screaming at her. Today I am the person who will fight till she gets what she wants. Today, I shed off the old me and accept myself the way I was meant to be. Today, I start fighting. Today I am reborn. I will rebirth myself over and over and over till I get what I want and deserve. Today no matter how strong my parents are, I will assert my existence. Today, no matter how much they yell, I won't shy away. Today, I give birth to myself. Today they hear the cry of victory. I will no longer allow them to stifle me, nor will I allow myself to be stifled. Today my new year begins with better resolutions, better plans, more empowerment and more success. Today, I become Hla!

Reading all that out loud to myself made me feel really good. It feels nice to know that I have had it all in me all that time, but opted not to, well, "activate" it. Whatever it is can be done and is doable if I want to make it so. I am awesome and I should be proud of it, always!

Happy New Year, filled with innovation, creativity, sponatuosity, and hope! Happy new belated year!

Peace Out! H!

A Letter from Zeus

Zeus is beautiful and wonderful. He is kind, caring, and thoughtful. He makes me feel like I am a lady and a baby girl. Everytime I try to describe him, I run out of words, I don't know why. It's just that no adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs are enough to describe or even try to give him justice. Almighty Zeus is over protective, jealous, and yet he is as cute as a newborn panda bear. He is my King and my little adorable baby boy. It's weird how I feel like a mother with him and his princess. He makes me feel special, beautiful, like I am someone out of this world. He takes good care of me. He is patient and accepts how deranged I am and dare I say loves it? My Zeus awakens my nonexistent jealousy and fear. I cannot believe a day passing without reading his texts, listening to his raspy seducing voice, my day would be horrible. A huge fan of Deadpool, Reggae and post-rock music. The guy has the best music taste ever. Every track takes you on a new adventure; their emotional rollercoasters are endless and addictive. Zeus drives me crazy when he pinpoints what am I feeling without seeing me; I am impressed and scared, but I am getting used to it. Zeus is not good with written words, he doesn't like it that much, yet he wrote me a letter. Well, it is not really a letter, but just read it. He is my happy ever after. That's him and God forbid it doesn't work, I am okay living as a nun because I know I will never find a replica of him anywhere. He is that special!

Today Zeus wrote me this: "you are by far the sweetest person ever, you do panic a lot and you seek perfection which sometimes makes you lose it but that's you. All I can do is be there and comfort you even though I would like you to take it easy. I love the way you blush and I love the way you talk and I love your glasses (the round ones.)You have a good taste in makeup and I like the way you jump every time I come near you or explain something with my hands. I love the way you put your tongue out to tease me. I love the way you say "ya Allah", with that being said, I wish you a happy new year and may all your wishes come true."

It warms my heart everytime I read it and I assure you I have read it more than once; I think I have memorized it, and imagining his voice saying all this makes me have goosebumps. I cannot thank you enough for putting up with my tantrums, stress, madness, and meeting them all with patience and reassuring me that you will always be here with me, comforting me and making me feel as if I am the most special person ever. I cannot wait till I get over my shyness and idiocy to really show you what do you mean to me and what how I feel when I am with you.

Happy New Year Zeus, may it be one of warmth, beauty, happiness. May you finally find what you have been seeking all along and may I try to repay you some of the happiness that you make me feel every single minute with you. Happy New Year darling!

Peace Out! H!

A Hug

A hug could hold different layers of meaning. It can be protection, love, friendship, and sexual engulfment to mention a few. Some underestimate and even ridicule the power of a good honest to God hug; they believe that a kiss is better, more powerful. Something that might knock you off senseless, if done right.

I have experienced a hug from a friend and it was warm, sweet, and full of care. My mom's hug was never one of those motherly hugs, it was distant. She doesn't like physical contact I believe, but that does not mean she is distant or cold. She is good. I tend to give the people I love squeezy hugs, those powerful, strong, tight hugs that knock out the breath out of them when they are sad, or when extremely happy. They appreciate it because I don't tend to give them haphazardly all year round, just on special occasions.

 Lately, I want a hug, but not any kind of hug, not a motherly, friendly, or even a distant hug. I want a person to hug me. Someone who is like twice my size and strength preferably, I just want to feel vulnerable, yet impossible to break in it. Something that would be warm and full of love and emotions. I want a special kind of hug that no one I know has the ability to provide, so I keep dreaming of it. Maybe one day it might show up.

What's the point of all this, basically nothing, just a description of what a real hug in my point of view should be. Is it relatable? I am not quite sure, and I don;t really care. Will people comment on it? Again, I don't know.

Snappy believes I am weird, which is normal, but I don't think he knows about the hug-complex I am exposing. Exposing is such a fancy word, you would think I am talking about some sort of a celebrity scandal.

Peace out! H!

Satisfaction and Introspection

Last Tuesday was my birthday, I am 22 years old. I am to some extent balanced. I know what I want for now, my goals are rational, achievable and to the point. I want to pass my Masters pre courses with good grades, to have fun and break the routine as much as possible. I have managed doing this. Snappy has been of great help. He managed to get me out of the depression and self-loathing I have been in. Drowning in work does nothing, but sucking the life out of you. On my birthday, I received a lot of presents, love, peace, and joy to which I am grateful. I celebrated my birthday yesterday going out with some friends out of the blue! It was pleasant.

Yet, I feel the need to find someone to share my happiness, I feel the need to search for a partner, an equal. I want someone to encourage me and get me to project the best in me to the outside world. I want to hear sweet words to make me swoon and I want the intellectual debate. I want my mind and heart to be fed. I need to feel that I am special, not that I am not. I am quite aware of myself being strange and unique, I love it and I bask in it. It is just that now, although I have a plate full of assignments, corrections, studying and work, I am ready to experience what it truly is to be in a stable relationship with adventures, operas, theatre, workshops, dining out, travelling and romance. I think I am mature enough to specify in exact details what I really want and need. I want a man, responsible, mannish yet kind. I want someone who is understanding, someone who could try to capture and embrace the roller coasters from within me. A man who is confident enough that he would be able to do what he promises. Because, I know what I can add to the upcoming relationship, I know I am capable of leaving an imprint that would take ages to be swept away. I know I am cheerful, vibrant, lovely, not a hopeless romantic, but I would show what I feel, and sometimes express it verbally.

I feel like I am writing an advertisement for an apartment. I am aware I have materialized the abstracts, but I know this is for the best.

Peace out! H!

Smile and wave, boys!

I like having my own mini adventures, where I pretend that I have finally moved out of my parents' house, working by day, attending classes by evening, and meeting friends by night. My latest adventure was yesterday, when Snappy and I decided to meet. I baked him a chocolate cake, which he ate like a hungry pig, the highlight of my day was seeing him turning into a child and eating it with glee in his eyes! We took a walk and decided, although we weren't hungry, to go for a pizza and some chocolate buns full of a complete Nutella explosion, you know because we are dieting and aiming for the slim figure we all aspire to.

While eating a little toddler comes in with his family and decides to just come over and say hello, to be honest the little sucker made me happy because the last time a child and I had eye contact, he screamed bloody murder as if I were some sort of pedophile, to be told later.

After the cute guy returned to his family, Snappy goes all Yoda-assing me saying I am a natural mother; I was born to do this job. Yeah because it is so magical having an alien creature inside of you for 9 months or so and then pushing it out of your not so beautiful body making you feel like an empty vessel, used and useless. This reminds me of the Matrix, when Neo got this freakishly looking worm inside of him by force and they had to cut it out. Yikes!

Back to my adventure, after we ate the pizza and the Nutella explosion buns, we walked to the bus station, and went home. What's the point of all this? I have realized that I am capable of defeating the system, not by fighting it, but by smiling and waving, just like the penguins in Madagascar. I get to treat myself every once in a while with a mini outing, a breather. I don't have to suffer and suffocate in silence. I don't have to simply be the ultimate drowning, overwhelmed working woman I am. I can simply just work in my working hours, prepare my lesson for the upcoming class, and treat myself to an outing at the end of the week. See? No harm done and instead a sense of harmony and balance is created. What happens at work, doesn't exist after the working hours are over. What happens in class, is applied when preparing and doing assignments. What happens with my friends, remains memories and pictures to go back to in times of stress.

I have finally decided to give myself a break and enjoy myself even in the most tensed stages in my life. I deserve it, I am powerful, beautiful, smart, independent, and in control of my own life. I set goals to surpass them not to pile them up next to me and watch how I grow older by the minute in front of a shattered mirror called society. I am in control, whether they like it or not. I will be happy whether they accept it or not. I am a fighter not a quitter and whatever shit you throw at me, you will find me standing, smiling and waving back to you.

What defeats you comes from within, the outside is just a set of tools aiding with the process. You are powerful from within and you can always choose whether you want self-loathing or self-empowering!

Have a blessed morning full of pancakes, freshly brewed coffee, and fruits cut into adorable bite-size. You have earned you day-off, fair and square!

PS: I bet you Snappy will go all sarcastic on me after reading this post.

Goodbye seems to be the easiest word.

Dear blog, dear whoever,

I have spent a considerable amount of time moaning and whining and just moping around. Yesterday, the worthless pity came to an end. The flashbacks are still there, I am not going to lie about it, and the what ifs and could haves are still there too, but I manage to keep them at bay way back in my memory. One day I will forget, or remember and move on to the next thought without dwelling on it much.

Now let's get back to yesterday! Yesterday I woke up, got dressed, had a long walk on one of Egypt's rarely quiet streets, I had coffee, got my earphones plugged in and kept walking like there was no tomorrow. It was quite refreshing and has been on my to-do list since forever!

I later on met a friend, we prepared our assigned presentation together had breakfast and went to our separate ways. For over two months now, if not more, Snappy and I have been trying our best to meet and chat. Well guess what? We did it finally yesterday and it was awesome!

I had a good day, I came up with closure and I am feeling some peace. Whatever I have been through in good time I will come out of it, you know why? Because, I was born a fighter and I will die a fighter, I save myself and I am done with the self-pity detour I was on. Why deprive myself from my happiness when I have everything I have ever wished for and even more. I am a working woman, financially independent, a masters student, I have good friends and interesting colleagues. Life is good for it to be wasted on moaning and whining.

To my used to be Person, if you are reading this, this is my official goodbye. Thank you for the experience, the temporary happiness, the heartache and for helping me unlock a new stage in my life.

To my readers, life is too good to be wasted on heartache. Smile, you all look beautiful with it!

To Snappy, it's destiny and you know it.