Oedipus Complex..The Twisted Version

"You look just like your father!" "OMG, this is what your father just said!" "Wow, you too look alike in a creepy way" this is just a glimpse of what I hear. The truth is I am not daddy's little princess, I am not the apple of his eyes, i hate and despise him. Hearing such words always makes me cringe internally. People are cursing me without being aware of it. He is my curse. I hate how people say, I have his, whatever the hell he has, I hate how they say I have inherited his personality traits, and how they feel like they are talking to him instead of me.

My father, is an emotional abuser, he used to physically abuse me as a young girl as a form of punishment, to make sure I will never do it again. That still has its marks on my legs, after all there is a reason I do not like to wear skirts and short dresses. That man, now being at the age of twenty, emotionally abuses me. Whenever he talks I feel anger, wrath -to be more precise- that is all bottled up in, I just close my mouth and force that stupid anger down to God knows where.

Making fun of whatever dreams and hopes I have is an abuse, making me feel that no matter what I do is not enough, is an abuse, telling me I am a loser, is a FREAKING ABUSE. I hate you. I want to go to intensive therapy because of you. I want to cry and I cannot. I have no privacy under your roof, you do not respect what I feel, want or do, you do not even knock on the door before you enter, you just barge in and you never shut the freaking door behind you. I HATE YOU. I hate how you conveniently enter when I am on the phone to shout and embarrass me. I HATE YOUR BARBARIC ACTS. I hate how you always stand on my brothers’ side and never mine, even though I am mostly right. I hate you. I just hate you. I hate inheriting your hormones, I hate having your DNA. I wish you death. I wish I were an orphan a long while back. I hate how I cannot express my feelings to those I love, it always comes out awkward. I hate fearing that one day I will be the female version of you. I hate how I am scared of getting into anything real (regarding romance), because am too scared to end up like mom, a passive watcher who does nothing. I hate you. I hate how you are always skeptic whenever I ask for anything. I lie and I cheat to get what I want from you. I hate how I cannot study because of your presence and how you keep coming up with fucked up ideas regarding remodeling the sardine can you call home, whenever I have exams. I am having an exam at the moment and I cannot study because you are acting like a freaking crazy hulk! You are losing your temper and you just keep screaming and I keep bottling it up. I will explode one day and I will kill you. I will find a way to do so.

And the most thing I hate about you, is how you think money can solve all this fucked up shit. Buying me clothes will not solve the fucked up, lost me. It makes me hate you for making me feel like a manipulator. I hate you. Oh how I wish I were an orphan. I hate you!

This is it!

Three more days to go and I will be sitting for my last exam. I am not thrilled, I am bored. As usual, the course was all fun and games, but studying is a bitch. The word has "dying" at the end of it. This is slow torture, I hate studying I do not like it, and I cannot imagine sitting for hours learning by heart what the textbook has to offer. No sir, I am not that type of a girl. Sorry.

My laptop is dying on me, the keys are slowly dying, or to be more precise they are flying over place, you need to press with all what you are worth for to type. Talk about inconvenience and the worst timing ever. Enough complaining, today seems -God forbid- cheerful. Too bad it has to be spent indoors.

Not much to write about, just a lousy update. Ooh and my crush is not ready for anything that involves romance..I just love me...

A song, well I recently discovered this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPZoaGqLGpQ
 Peace Out! H!

Fragmentation at it's best

I come from a seriously fucked up family. A family, where no one knows who the other is, but they judge each other according to certain misconceptions in their minds, nonetheless. In this family, the daughter is seen as a whore, not only by her siblings but by her mother and her father as well. This family is incapable of showing love or expressing it. It's a dead family where no one talks and no one listens. Each and everyone lives in his or her own world.

My world is not that fancy, it consists of a small bed, a desk and a laptop on which I can use to talk to my friends. I try as much as I can to escape the real family. I play The Sims, where the father truly loves his daughter instead of throwing some cash in her face, and the mother listens and accepts her for who she truly is.

Back to the real world, it's silent, a long while ago people stopped taking to each other. Instead, they have opted for finding new means to terrorize and to psychologically hurt each other. Making one reach he verge of thinking of committing suicide or eloping or just escaping and living somewhere else. Independence, therefore, becomes a means for survival 101.

There is not much to write about, after 20 years, it is just stating facts, mentioning the daily routine, getting by in the most dehumanized mechanical way, to avoid heartache. Something that continues to surprise me, I still have feelings after all this. Humanity can be restored, somehow.

Today, there is no song, just music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibEyHJ8gQG0

Peace Out! H!

Weird Combos

Somewhere on planet earth lies the perfect match for each and every one of us, well at least this is what I choose to believe. To each, a happy ending, a closure, an answer. Waiting for it, adds to the suspense and increases its value and makes one appreciate it a little bit more. These days, I am learning a very powerful lesson. I am learning how to be patient, I am rediscovering my self-control, I am curbing in my curiosity.

Talking to your crush on a daily basis does not make things easier. The things I would love to tell him, starting from "I miss you" and ending with "Why don't you tell me that you like me?" However, I have to be patient. This is not because I am following the fairy tale protocol where the guy has to confess first. On the contrary, I am not afraid of saying it to him, it's the reaction I will get that is making me halt and think twice each and every time I gather the courage to say what I really want to say.

A friend of mine, Feminine Fantasy to be precise, is 300% sure that we are already treating each other as boyfriend-girlfriend and whenever the subject comes up, she would start to laugh hysterically about how each of us is oblivious to the other's apparent affection and admiration. I hate to admit it, but I am a gullible person when it comes to this part. I do not do the small tiny signs that might and might not show whether the person likes me or not. However, I will detect a budding love story miles away. Crazy, I know, believe me. I have been living with that piece of work (myself) for 20 years.

Yeah, and Fantasy believes that he will confess on the last day of my exams and I find that completely ridiculous! Want to know why? Because he is the most patient person I have ever met in my life and I live on the fast lane most of the time. You can only imagine the bloody patience practice I go through  every time we talk together. Gee! As if that is not enough, he is too mysterious and I am too curious. Why on earth, why, do I like him that much. We are too different! This is the frustrated H talking here.

But as we talk together, I feel that I am changing, I realized that around him, I am calmer, which is huge but welcomed change. The best part of it is that he didn't even ask me to change, he did not tell me: "you are too hyper, calm down a bit" No, he just left me be. When we talk, or when we see each other, he is the only man who gets to see the most intimate part of me -emotionally speaking- He gets to see a side of me that is reserved for him and only him.

To be honest, I do not that much about him and neither does he know anything about me. But, he is that person that makes things nice and safe, fuzzy and warm and you feel like you are phoenix, born out of the ashes of your misery. For a while, I forget everything bad, everything negative and I just smile.

Today's song-post for the Mystery Man is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC8wZBT2SZg

Peace Out! H!