Vulgarity and Streams of Unstable Consciousness!

To be honest, I thought I should start with some poetry lines, a personal anecdote, but I thought better of it. I will try to cut to the chase. Today, I did not feel like heading to work. I was too tired, too exhausted; mentally I could no longer go on without breaking the inner routine, and physically, my legs just refused to even move from under the sheets. I skipped work today, not a first, yet significant. 

After having more than my rightful hours of deep, beautiful, uninterrupted slumber, I decided that I should help my mother around the house. After breakfast, I have headed to the supermarket, did our shopping fought over offers, which she naturally has won them with her simple "no." Long story short, as we were in line at the cashier, this extremely rude man barges in line with a phone glued to his ear yapping about God knows what with whom, never glancing to see that it was our turn. I was furious! How dare he?! What surprised me was not his audacity, it was my stream of consciousness; suddenly I caught myself saying: "If dad was with us, he would not have dared to do such an action." I was quiet shocked that I was thinking this way, I have always claimed to be independent, yet I did nothing to prove that to the vulgar man. I just kept silently glaring at his back, as if he would suddenly turn around and apologize. I am naive, I know.

Why did I all of a sudden deem myself unfit, or weak to stand up for him alone. Who the hell was he to walk past us as if we were thin air? I should have told him off, I should have stood by my grounds and did not let such a thing slide down that easily. I was a passive viewer. 

As if my stream of consciousness was not done screwing with my mind, she suddenly decides to link this incident as a result of me being smitten over my Person, that I have for a very subconscious way have weakened myself for him and for the entire male species, by default. This should not have been the case, this thought did not have the right to trespass my mentality. My Person does not weaken me, he cares, and he is logical, so far when we discuss stuff together. He is funny and knows how and when to listen. My Person is an addition to my entity not a replacement. Yes, I started to change some concepts that I have firmly implanted before meeting him, not because he told me so, or because I am having second thoughts; no, it is because he has managed in his indirect way to change these misconceptions to the better. He is giving me perspective in a lot of things. The fact that I am justifying all this is not pleasing me. You see, prior Person, I would be something along these lines: "I did it because I can and I want to, not to please you and not to piss you off, I did it for me, I owe you nothing and if you demand an explanation you might as well be kissing my boots on your trip to Hell town for questioning me you son of a *****!" But that changed.

Well, now I have two ways to solve the nonexistent problem, I can either pretend that I was drunk on God knows what or I can just turn a blind eye and dive into working like a crazy workaholic and avoid it, him and everything else. Most probably I will go for number two since I have a lot on my plate right now regarding work. New tasks, responsibilities, teaching, studying, creating God knows what, and the good old panicking mode I will be in, the following couple of months. Gosh, I love being me so freaking much right now. Distraction should be taught in the psychoanalysis classes as one of the means of therapeutic solutions.

Anyway, enough madness for one day.

Peace out! H!

The Dr. Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde, and Lady H Mexican show!

Ever felt like a moving corpse on auto pilot with only one person capable of reviving you and making you ecstatic? Well it is not that good of a feeling, when you hang your livelihood on only one person, it's trusting but scary, especially for an over-thinker like myself. I mean in five minutes I am capable of coming up with at least one hundred of the worst case scenarios that I end up panicking and wanting to call everything off for fear that one day, I would be all alone and that I will never be able to be the independent person I claim to be. Pretty messed up, right? It does not make sense for me or any sane person to give himself misery for fear of being miserable thanks to another person. The end is still the same regardless of who does what to whom. Try explaining that to a stupid over-thinker at three in the morning. Good luck with that!

It's like by day I am a persona and by night I am another and when the Person is away, God be with all those who come across me. Boy, don't I have issues!

I am a stupid love-struck case of Dr. Jekyll, Mrs. Hyde and your beloved Lady H.

Dr. Jekyll by day is a lovely, fun persona, so loving, hopeful and dreamy. Someone who wakes up counting down the hours till she meets Person. Yet, when she meets Person, she just says: "Hello, good morning" and vanishes. End scene. To you, this is stupid; to me, perfect sense, I am, in a way, protecting my personal life. I hate how people love to interfere in what's not theirs in the first place; I mean seriously, mind your own bloody business. Moving on, the couple of hours of each day that they spend together, make the day bearable. When you bump into each other out of pure coincidence and do your best to pretend you have never seen him before now, is quiet amazing and funny, at least for me. Dr. Jekyll believes the great finale, where she and Person are united for eternity, loving and killing each other simultaneously. Dr. Jekyll is such a girly girl. Meh! She loves her Person, but she does not forget her friends, she tries to balance between her career, Person, family and them. She even tries to go out at least once a week to meet them.

Mrs. Hyde is one crazy mid-forty lady who just adores panicking and driving Person to the hills thanks to it. That woman has a strange ability to panic over things that are still going to happen in two-three months in advance. She is a whole new level of crazy. She is very meticulous and organized in her panicking. She panics in a systematic way. Let's tackle her M.A plan, shall we? "I hope I have all my papers with me. I need to get pictures for those papers. What if I fail in the admission exam? What if I pass it and fail the interview, this means, I would have lost a whole year of my life; I am such a failure! What if I get in and I fail in finding the balance between work, assignments and exams? O.M.G What if something happens and I cannot reach my lecture on time? Would I be deprived? What would I wear? I need to buy new sneakers and a nice durable backpack. I need new stationary and a new desk." That woman is really ballistic, trust me. I live with her everyday and when she decides to show up, she does at two in the morning, so I can kiss sweet sleeping goodbye. Evil, pure diabolical.

Last, but never the least is Lady H, the moping girl when Person is not around. She claims to be okay, but she is not. She is not depressed, when he is away, she just hates everything and would love to spend her days sleeping till he comes back so Dr. Jekyll would drive him crazy for her. She deals with this moping by eating like there is no tomorrow and leaves the weight issues to the doctor. H is very stupid to be doing such moping around. She keeps reminding herself that she is someone important with many accomplishments and that Person is an addition to her life not, essential. He is not the air for crying out loud! After some pep talk she goes around searching for stuff to do to distract herself. She reads, cleans, eats, listens to music, and writes. See she does have a life after all, but at this stage, she prefers to be a selfish cry baby. What I love about Lady H, is that no matter how much she yearns to talk to her Person, she would never be all lovey-dovey and call him and tell him how much she misses her honey-boo. Bleh! Lady H has pride to forbid her from such a thing, and I respect her for that.

I am messed up. Good luck Person, you will desperately need it, if you are planning on continuing this miserable journey with me, I mean us.

Peace out! H!

Rain and Rainbows

This time I know exactly where to start; 24 hours ago I agreed with a friend to deliver her some papers that were in desperate need of correction, ASAP. The next morning, I wake up happy and dancing all around the apartment. I was blasting music so loud, I was sure the neighbors woke up cursing the lunatic next door playing Urban music at five in the morning. I could not care less. I was happy! I showered, had breakfast, danced, while getting dressed. I decided today was a perfect day to wear make up and contacts, and headed down to street to wait for my bus that would take me to work. I was not grumpy, I looked and felt beautiful, radiant, and most of all I was happy!

I reach work, sit at my station doing random stuff till it's around eight then I walk around and chat with my colleagues then go and meet Person. For some reason, I felt he was surprised to see me all giddy, but he would not give in and tell me, so I decided not to pressure him and let him be. Anyways, after we all head to our respective working areas, during the break I decide to head down to the cafeteria and hang around with some students and colleagues which apparently sets Person off. So, what does he do? He stamps his foot like a five year old, makes a face and disappears till the day ends. I am quiet sure he is avoiding me, and I believe he is being extremely childish over a normal, if not repetitive situation. I mean, I am a teacher, I am bound to have professional interactions with my students. Sometimes the boundaries are blurred into friendship when they confide in you something that bothers them or when you take special attention to a certain case, but that's not the norm.

The day ends; I go to my bus and I decide to ignore Person till he realizes that this is not kindergarten any more, which in return makes him even more stubborn and starts pretending that I do not exist in his life. Fine! I go and meet my friend, we sit in Starbucks for some much needed cold beverages on such a steamy hot day while listening to some desperately trying to gain attention wanna be hipsters, as if the world is not full of enough misery, yet. We have fun, get our work done and then go for fries and burgers at Macdonald's around the corner.

In general, the day was good, I met a friend, had a good time and got my work done. A perfect day. Person seems to be enjoying this, so let him have his own twisted version of fun and I will continue with my life as if nothing has ever happened.

I know I have never talked or even mentioned Person before to you, and I would hate that the first thing you ever read about him is the Rain, so here is the Rainbow:

Person is well, a person. He is very calm, charming and has his own kind of handsome. He has a twinkle in his eyes and looks like a foreign Keanu Reeves. If you have ever watched the last scene in Sweet November, you will get what I mean. Person is patient, and understanding and has unique random doses of madness that suddenly pop out of nowhere. These wild episodes are enough to make you smile, when you do not want to. He is contagious when it comes to feelings, he knows how to project them out. The most important thing about Person is the connection. He just "knows" what to say, well most of the time, to give my pretentious "misfortunes" new perspective. He is a child, a man, a brother. He is everything and anything I need. He is perfect, but childish.

That's enough for all of you now!
Peace out! H!