To be honest, I thought I should start with some poetry lines, a personal anecdote, but I thought better of it. I will try to cut to the chase. Today, I did not feel like heading to work. I was too tired, too exhausted; mentally I could no longer go on without breaking the inner routine, and physically, my legs just refused to even move from under the sheets. I skipped work today, not a first, yet significant.
After having more than my rightful hours of deep, beautiful, uninterrupted slumber, I decided that I should help my mother around the house. After breakfast, I have headed to the supermarket, did our shopping fought over offers, which she naturally has won them with her simple "no." Long story short, as we were in line at the cashier, this extremely rude man barges in line with a phone glued to his ear yapping about God knows what with whom, never glancing to see that it was our turn. I was furious! How dare he?! What surprised me was not his audacity, it was my stream of consciousness; suddenly I caught myself saying: "If dad was with us, he would not have dared to do such an action." I was quiet shocked that I was thinking this way, I have always claimed to be independent, yet I did nothing to prove that to the vulgar man. I just kept silently glaring at his back, as if he would suddenly turn around and apologize. I am naive, I know.
Why did I all of a sudden deem myself unfit, or weak to stand up for him alone. Who the hell was he to walk past us as if we were thin air? I should have told him off, I should have stood by my grounds and did not let such a thing slide down that easily. I was a passive viewer.
As if my stream of consciousness was not done screwing with my mind, she suddenly decides to link this incident as a result of me being smitten over my Person, that I have for a very subconscious way have weakened myself for him and for the entire male species, by default. This should not have been the case, this thought did not have the right to trespass my mentality. My Person does not weaken me, he cares, and he is logical, so far when we discuss stuff together. He is funny and knows how and when to listen. My Person is an addition to my entity not a replacement. Yes, I started to change some concepts that I have firmly implanted before meeting him, not because he told me so, or because I am having second thoughts; no, it is because he has managed in his indirect way to change these misconceptions to the better. He is giving me perspective in a lot of things. The fact that I am justifying all this is not pleasing me. You see, prior Person, I would be something along these lines: "I did it because I can and I want to, not to please you and not to piss you off, I did it for me, I owe you nothing and if you demand an explanation you might as well be kissing my boots on your trip to Hell town for questioning me you son of a *****!" But that changed.
Well, now I have two ways to solve the nonexistent problem, I can either pretend that I was drunk on God knows what or I can just turn a blind eye and dive into working like a crazy workaholic and avoid it, him and everything else. Most probably I will go for number two since I have a lot on my plate right now regarding work. New tasks, responsibilities, teaching, studying, creating God knows what, and the good old panicking mode I will be in, the following couple of months. Gosh, I love being me so freaking much right now. Distraction should be taught in the psychoanalysis classes as one of the means of therapeutic solutions.
Anyway, enough madness for one day.
Peace out! H!
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