Detoxing: The final phase.

Detoxing is not going to work. To detox, you need to admit that you have a problem. You cannot deny it during daytime, and write about it in the evening. It does not work like that, this is insanity at its finest. I cannot detox what I am still exploring, I cannot detox something I haven't deemed as addictive for me, yet.

Yes, I love to have people around me regardless their gender, I love and appreciate a good argument, a fascinating discussion, I love chocolates and my favorite drink is hot chocolate, my favorite colour is green; it makes me happy, and I don't like flowers apart from one. I know I am a handful and that I can be a very sophistical and contemplating person. I know that every now and then I suffer from a minor identity crisis regarding who am I and what was I meant to do and offer to the universe? I also know how practical I can be, to the point where I believe that I can measure emotions and deem something as good or not by just doing simple mathematics. I know that things are to go along a certain track, a logical one and if they ever fall off it, it will never be good for anyone.

I also know that people like to believe in love, that somewhere out there, a miracle named love exists. People have been searching for it for quiet a while, hoping that it would be a movie-like scenario, love from first sight, or a Disney movie: where the prince goes through hell while his princess awaits in her castle for them to reunite after dreaming of him, or learning about his existence through a fortune teller, or God knows what. I am not evil enough to ridicule that thought and to look down upon it. But why is love connected to the heart? Why cannot a girl love through her mind? Why cannot she reserve her feelings and emotions and let her mind do the math regarding compatibility, intelligence, sense of humour, and other vital parts: like how serious is that person? What are his/her goals regarding the future? Is there some sort of plan or will it forever be a Shakespearean courtship where eyes meet, and the lips are sealed with smiles; promises written in the form of sonnets and vows to never love after their death? To some, that is true romance, but romance dies quiet soon,  if it is not built properly on hard, solid, concrete bases.

How can I love a person for loving my favorite song, or for sharing the same horoscope as mine, baring in mind that there are millions of other people who surprisingly share with us a lot of other stuff like water, air, and sunlight. Doesn't mean that they too are my soul mates, our true partners, the ones I would sacrifice everything for. What about ambition, ever thought of that? How realistic these ambitions are or how insistent that person is to make his dreams come true? How educated is he, could he argue with you on different matters? Could he read and truly appreciate good music and literature? Is that person capable of embracing new ideologies, experiences, and try out life's different tastes in almost everything? Does that person love and truly appreciate life or is he a typical routine loving man? Not that it is a bad thing, that's not the issue, the issue is greater than that: it is whether or not can I adapt to such thing.

In a relationship, there is usually a leader and a settler. Some are born to steer the relationship, while others make sure that it is always floating, and do their best to avoid conflicts that might lead to it sinking at the very end. However, this is not always the case, because there could be two settlers in a relationship and in that case, there is no one to lead which would lead to their starvation, or till someone decides to play a role that is bigger than his, that wasn't meant for him, or they drift apart searching for their leader. In all of these scenarios it does not really work. Yet, things are not better with having two leaders, fighting all the time to assert authority could lead to disasters and an endless competition of who is better than whom. Each will try to conquer the other, and naturally will end up in scars and drifting apart searching for their kind settlers who would gladly clean them up and restore their hope that life is not as bad as they have perceived it. But then, what if a leader loved or was attracted to a settler? How would he cope? Would he drastically change for him, hide his true personality, which by time would show? Would he hand him over the keys to this relationship, or would he drift away knowing that it was bound to fail? Could a leader swap places for a settler just to be with whom he loves, or would he choose to be a martyr and watch his settler find his own settler and become their leader? It never is easy, for that would not be life.

So am I over-thinking? Of course! Am I jumping into conclusions? Again, of course, otherwise that would not be me at all.

All my life, I have been fighting for independence which I haven't achieved a 100%, but whatever I have got, I have cherished. The idea of letting go, the idea of taking a leap of faith is scary to me. I fear of getting too dependent on someone that if they decide to leave, I will be in a shock that would take me time to overcome. I want to feel like a settler, for once, knowing that no matter what, my leader will always be there for me; catching me, supporting me, discovering the world with me, arguing and discussing things with me. I know I am selfish, but I deserve the whole package like any other, and if mine is a bit customized then so what? I can wait. Until then, I can write as long as I am inspired and have something to say. I can read. I can dream, contemplate, meditate and have a successful life and a blossoming career. I can be powerful. I will make his task even harder. He will have to follow me up the ladder into greatness, and to have something equally wonderful to give to the universe to deserve to be with me. I want to inspire him enough to try something he never thought of trying or to change something in him, to make him, for example, see the world in a new perspective.I want him, no I expect him, to change something as drastic in me as I did in him.

I am aware that I have leashed out a great amount of myself in this post, but trying to find myself demands me digging as deep as possible in my mini-universe in hopes that finding what I want will lead to what I was meant to be?

I am considering to change the tittle of the blog, not quiet sure what, yet. Thoughts?

Peace out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bosouX_d8Y