Detoxing for Solitude

I have never been alone. Although that sounds like a blessing, it's not. You see, if I cannot be alone and survive, how dare I claim to be a tough feminist who needs no man in her life, when, since my early university years, I have always had some sort of crush on someone? It does not make sense. I have never been alone. It terrifies me.

My need for a constant male company of some sort is nothing but alarming! Why cannot I be satisfied that I now work and have a social life? I should not be making lists of what I want in my prince charming, when I am not ready to strive alone out there. How can I know what I want if I keep searching out there for what I think I lack when it's clearly that the fault lies within? Why settle for the happy marital status, for changing my Facebook status to: "Lady H has gone from single to in a relationship" when I can be anything I set my mind to? I want to travel, but why? I have no clue. Is it because there is great potential out there, is it for tourism's sake, for gaining experiences, making memories, to run away from someone, from something, for what? Why do I want to pursue my studies? Is it because I want to or because my family would love to see a PhD in my non existent office room? Why am I so keen on doing many things? Do I even want them or are they forced upon me? Am I that brainwashed into believing that what they want for me is what I actually want?

Why am I afraid of commitment is, ironically, because I am afraid to be alone. I need to spend time with the "me"" to figure out her needs, I cannot keep on forcing her to meet new people, to have fantasies on "could haves" instead of reality, to daydream the "what ifs", I cannot keep this up. The "me" has been weak for so long I need to provide her with nourishment, I need to be alone, for a while.

I have decided this: for the next 30 days, I am to document my everyday extravagance with any male encounter, I need to keep track of the madness to cure it. I want to be able to be alone and enjoy it, I want to be alone and live in a content way. My name is Lady H and I am an addict. I am addicted to having a male figure in my life. I am detoxing.

Peace Out! H!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSarZ7g1F-g