This letter
is for the person who is to join me on whatever journey that is to
come:
Dear, you
asked me yesterday who am I and frankly speaking, I really have no idea. I admit
that I did answer a very silly answer. But if you have been reading, you
would have known that I have no clue to who am I. I know I am H, 21 years old,
trying to figure things out on her own. I know that for the past two weeks, I have
drifted apart. I know that I no longer enjoy people's company and I would love
to be alone. I know that I am not depressed, but that I am confused.
Dear, I
sometimes wonder, is it really important to have a modal answer to: Who am I?
Cannot we just discover it along the way? Why box me in? I used to be angry
that I didn't know me. Hell, I started this blog in order to help me with my
findings. Yet, I have came at peace with me not knowing. I am the most curious
person on planet Earth. I admit that. I also admit how much I abhor surprises,
except for not knowing what will happen tomorrow. That type of surprises does not really
pisses me off. You want to know why? Because I know that no matter what, I will
wake up to a text from you saying: “Good morning” and it would make me smile. I
know that when I see you, I feel calm no matter how agitated I am. I also know
that I am very stupid when it comes to me showing or expressing emotions; that I
go through hell to say what I want to say out loud; because I am not used to it.
But you know what? It is worth it. That smile on your face makes my struggle
worth it. But just so we are clear, please do not think of this as a habit or a
ritual. I would go eat fish than to do that again.
At times, I
am scared of the future. I am used to making long term plans, regardless the
fact that they work or not. But I do them. They make me feel more organized and
they are pretty to look at. I cannot plan things with you, yet. I am still
waiting till I can. You have no idea how many blue prints I have on my mind
now. The amounts of endless ideas fighting for survival inside my head are to the roof.
They sometimes scare me at night. I have insecurities I cannot share with you
for fear you might run away when you hear them, and you know what is even worse,
than you hearing them? That when you do, you would not understand me.
I love my
keyboard because he understands what I want to say exactly. I have always joked
around saying that I speak with my fingers better than my tongue. When I use my
fingers, words flow, my logic is clear and you cannot find a flaw in it. When I
speak – dear God help whoever is listening- I share too much information. Information
I didn't want that person to know. The look I get is even worse, if I talk
about my life with my family and that wretched look of pity and sorrow that
comes up when I talk about my brother, I feel like wanting to scratch the
looker's eyes out. I have come to terms with the fact that not everybody wants
me or loves me. Your sympathy is pointless. I am okay. I cried back then, but I am
okay now. I like to consider living with him, a real piece of work; like a roommate who is
there because he can afford the rent.
The keyboard
is not beautiful because he has what we all wish for: A backspace and a delete
button. No he is beautiful because of his music. I love how the keys sound
under the tips of my fingers. Each letter has its own note. They can be
sometimes up beat and fun and other times melancholy and lonely. They understand
and reflect my mood. They appreciate me more than everything.
A very uncharacteristic poem written by yours truly:
Chocolates and
keyboards and good books too,
My final
Utopia has finally come true.
With Waltz
and tulips and sunshine hues,
They twirl
around and chase away the blues.
A good
looking prince,
Who makes
them wince,
Chases away
demons, goblins and even fish fins,
Who comes
and bows with a shy glance,
Stretching an
arm and praying for a dance.
My beautiful
prince, calm and steady,
Surprises
me with a teddy.
A fun silly
poem to be written,
For a dear
darling who's made me so smitten.
Pink cotton
candy and white marshmallows,
With
caramel ice-cream to tie the knot.
To live for
a while in contentment and joy,
To chase
away sorrow and smile, oh so coy.
Rhymes are
fun,
But to end
such one, clouds have to be gone!
No comments:
Post a Comment