It really does not make any sense, all this stifled anger. I am really surprised how at times I laugh it off and at others I burst out crying and in most severe cases, I just shut down and stare at it. I feel lost, I do not where or how to stand, my core is gone. Ever felt like an air balloon, the least amount of wind pushes you away, far from where you intended to stand?
How am I to just shake it off, music is really a temporary medicine, its effect lasts for like 48 hours and that's it, back to square one. I feel like I have lost my identity. They say crying makes you feel better, but it just makes you aware of that hole inside, makes you realize how truly you are nothing.
A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed: well I cannot say that this is not true, but it is not effective to me anymore, I cannot have a heart to heart conversation with Snappy, Feminine Fantasy, Princess Y, Forever Independent, or Creature. I have no idea what is it that I lack, what is it that I suffer and more important what do I want. Do I want to excel in my studies, do I want to be popular, am I on a quest of seeing who the hell is this new gloomy H? What? Questions that seem to have no answers yet.
Like an out of body experience, seeing people around you with a sudden new perspective (will be revealed later on), but it's not what I want, is it having fun, rebelling, laughing, getting drunk, trying to smoke, or even having a boyfriend? The one stable thing from all this is wanting to get the hell out of here as soon as possible, I want to be out there, I want to be independent even if it means sleeping on pavements and starving for a week. I want this.
Though I would be lying if I said that there is not a reason for why I suddenly do not know where I stand. I do, I gained weight and somewhere along that road I lost my confidence, my sole treasure. I am not Miss Universe and I am not the smartest cookie in my group, but I have went through pains to reach what I saw as the perfect body, to be able to wear a size 4 skinny pants that made me happy and made me swell with pride. It made me walk with my head up high, and stress made me loose all this, I eat when I am stressed or nervous, which was the case for the past two months in which I have gained a lot of weight. My liquid diet is not as efficient as it used to be and I cannot seem to commit to another one.
Pretty or not: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Smf5seVgynk
Peace Out! H!
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