Come Back, Please?

I miss you, I miss everything, I miss you to the point I no longer remember how it was. It's sad knowing that in a few months you and I will no longer talk. I tell you good morning and I get a distant mumbled one in return. It's lonely out there, no matter how many friends I surround myself with, no matter the declarations of independence I recite everyday; I miss you.

Do you remember the last time we hugged, the last time you kissed me, because I do not and it hurts to not remember. I do not know whether we used to be once upon a time close or not, I really do not, and it hurts like hell. I need you, I need my mommy, I need you to make me feel loved and I need you to talk to me, I want to be your spoiled little girl again, I want to tell you about my crushes, my friends, my hopes, and fears. I want to talk to you without seeing that judgmental disappointed look in your eyes.

I am sure that in your eyes, I am that ungrateful, cruel, cold child. A very distant person. I know that I keep saying I want to immigrate and never return and that I do not want to ever get married, and how I cannot wait to get my own apartment, but I want us to try and reconnect. I want one good decent memory I could hold on to in times of need, when I am really down, when I am alone. I want a memory that is about us: you and I, and no one else.

Mommy, do you remember when was the last time you smiled at me? All you do is frown, or worse, that blank face that I cannot read. Mommy your lack of words hurt me, and when you laugh at what my siblings say hurts even more, a sharp knife that is continuously stabbed in my heart. Did you notice that we stopped pretending that we are okay in front of strangers? Did you notice us avoiding each other in family gatherings?

Mommy, do you know that I have decided to make a new mother for myself to feel loved? Someone who is willing to befriend me, listen to me, someone who understands me. It is a great solution, you know, but it is temporary, because at the end of the day I get to live with my biological mother who makes me feel like an unwanted bastard.

Mommy, I want you to remember that I was your first born child. There is a picture I saw where you were looking down upon me and smiling. I want this back, I want it back now.

Mommy, in a few months time I will be gone, really gone, I will no longer be your anything. Even if by that time I don't have an apartment, emotionally and spiritually I will be away, far away. I would be a roommate to you. An isolated stranger. Do you realize how humiliating this is, begging for you to accept me? I cannot apologize for being me, and as a mother you are supposed to love me unconditionally.

Mommy, come back, please?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAvDFtD89Bg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zPi_l9j6SQ&feature=related
Peace Out! H!